Southern State of Mind

Self Love

Once again a restless night. Haunted by the dread of disappointment, anger, and hopelessness. When will I stop hoping for a different outcome? When will I look into your eyes and not see sorrow? Will I ever have you back?

I fear for you in the realist way my heart can feel. I know you’re scared and lost. I know you don’t want to be like this. Yet, I hold your hand begging and pleading and all I see is emptiness in your eyes. Complete abandon. I’m scared for me too. Terrified I’ll end up the same. It’s in my blood. Coursing through my veins just waiting until I’m weak enough to let the demon take control.

I don’t want to be this. I don’t want to watch this. I don’t want to lose anymore. Haven’t we all lost enough? I can’t save you. Hope is always my greatest heartbreak. I remember the way you were and physically hurt from the pain of losing that version of you. The only love great enough to save someone is self love.

A Year of Growth for the Kitterman’s!!!

2019 has been massive for our family and turned our lives inside out! I couldn’t be more excited!

Starting with our surprise announcement of baby number 3 on the way! I was so sure I didn’t want more children. I was completely happy to have Abby and Asher. Yet, as I’ve gotten older I began to feel differently. The beauty that our babies bring into this world is beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I felt that adding to our family would only bring more love!! And why would we not want that?!

Growing our family felt right. So, my husband and I discussed it for quite awhile and decided now would be the best time. Once I became pregnant I immediately knew! Seasoned moms have this sixth sense about these things! Lol! For this reason I’ve had the “pleasure” of enjoying every single exaggerated symptom of being pregnant with our third child. It hasn’t been the easiest but, we’re making it through. Baby A is healthy and that makes me happy. My husband, Josh and our kiddos are so excited and have been angels in helping me with everything I need. I am into the second trimester and can’t wait to see if we will have a boy or girl! We may or may not already have names picked out! 😉

The other milestone reached this year has been starting a business! Josh has relentlessly pursued his dream and it has shown to be worth all the blood, sweat, and tears put forth. I have stood beside him believing in his vision, pushing him and tugging him when needed but, always knowing he would do amazingly. A decade long dream has finally materialized into the Spud Doctors food truck! Josh, with his business partner Mark, are taking our little country community by storm!

My husband is a chef at his core. There is nothing that makes him happier than feeding people. It’s the way he loves and it shows 100% in his food. He effortlessly makes a dish and watches me eat it with the biggest smile in his face knowing there is nothing I love more. That kind of love isn’t taught or achieved through time. It is just in him. It’s who he is.

Seeing him grow as a person and as a business owner this last year has given me such a huge level of respect for him. I will support him in all he wants to do and help in every way I can to aid in his success!

There is no doubt 2020 will be crazy but, I’ve never been more excited for a new year and new challenges!

Psst….a second food truck could possibly be in the works! 😉 …sssshhhhh though! No announcement of that just yet.

So what do ya say, wanna change the world today?!

Perspective is nothing if not life changing, a fundamental shift in the train of thought that you base your values on. As I get older I am embracing new perspective more and more. I crave it. I want my mind changed. I want to grow. I want to understand more and see the world through eyes that are not mine.

I feel that there is a rising up of new thinking that creates more inclusivity within society. People are not afraid to stand up. The time is always ‘now’ for the forward thinkers. The people that say, “If I’m not the voice then there is no voice. If I don’t make change for the future thinkers of the world then we will never change.”

I want to be part of change. I want to say I made a difference to a better world. A world where more people are letting other perspectives influence their thoughts and actions. Having the openness to not being right all the time. Believing that there is always a way of doing something that has never been thought of.

Supporting those that are brave, especially if what they represent is a perspective that eyes have never seen, is all about opening your heart to others. Vulnerability is always seen as a bad thing. A thing that makes someone weak but, vulnerability is what changes the world. It’s that one person standing up to say “I think, feel, or want things to be different and here’s why. Let’s find ways together to make it so.”

These brave people and those who support them are my heroes. It simply starts with listening. Truly listen to what others have to say. So what do ya say, wanna change the world today?!

My Truest Friend

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Walk beside me; and be my friend.” -Albert Camus

We haven’t always been this way. We have seen both sides of the path we promised to walk together. Many times I’ve searched for your hand knowing you needed mine more. Struggling to understand how to be there for you when I barely managed to be there for myself.

I’ve realized that in this journey we have vowed to take together there are three parts. The us part, the me part, and the you part. We are not always on the us part. We have our own journeys to take as we navigate life.

We promise to always be strong and always be the “perfect” support. Life doesn’t go that way. Love rarely knows what to do in the times that we don’t seem to walk the path hand in hand.

Slowly with time, I’ve learned to not fret when we aren’t in sync. To have patience and always tell you how I feel. I’ve learned that being on a pedestal is so very lonely. When you step up to hold my hand it’s the best feeling in the world. We always find our pace again. I grab your hand and we are us. You are my best friend and I love you so very much ❤

Lil’ Place

My day was spent making plans, solving problems, dreaming of future what if’s with so many unforseens. I felt frazzled, my mind in a place of disarray. Not knowing how to organize my thoughts or what I needed to focus on first. I wanted my heart and head back in rhythm.

As the day wore on my agitation and anxiety consumed me….one thought kept repeating, “I just need to feel nature.” Close my eyes and let it win. It never lets me down or fails at calming me.

Finally I’m home. Only a short two minute walk. It’s the single, most pressing thought at this point. I imagine feeling its magic cure for all that clouds my mind.

I remove my shoes, my soles reach the soul of the earth. Instant bliss. Touching the water, even for a single minute, takes every stress away and sends it down river.

I know this river so well. I know its bends, I know its flow, and how it rises in the rain. I know the way it feels in every season and the beauty I always beg it to let me capture.

I took a deep breath as I watch the sky change color with its reflection. This is what it feels like to breath in color. A mood. A vibe. A shift begins to envelope me. The clouds and sun beautifully moving as the day just fades away…I wish I could create art as beautiful as this. I absolutely know I will never come close.

Life makes sense here in this little place that feels like mine but, is most definitely not. Free for all to enjoy but, my special place none the less. There is no limit on the amount of peace and clarity it can bring anyone quiet enough to listen. It gives rhythm back to my head and my heart follows. Thank you, “lil’ place”.

Confetti

Moments fall around me like confetti,
creating memories that make up my life.

A simple word,
with a single thought,
Falling as I grasp it.
my wild mind wakens.

Lonely blank papers
beg to be filled.
The idea a spark
Does it come from love?
Or because of lose…

Sensitivity is strength
In creating beauty and art.
a moment is captured that
carries my heart.

Memories challenged.
Daring to discover deeper meaning and desire.
It must be my destiny.
Do others feel this way? …I always wonder.

g.s

Celebrating Individuality

Both of my children have very big personalities! As they grow and establish their own uniqueness, I feel that it is very important to nurture that. They have ownership of their own body, soul, and mind. I find letting them choose how they want to express that builds character.

We must guide them but, not decide who they should be. I want my kids to feel confident and proud of who they are! I want them to love what makes them different from others but also bond over similarities. I celebrate them everyday by supporting and believing in them.

This photoshoot is about just that! Celebrating these beautiful little creatures that I love watching grow!

Abby Rain

She has grown so much in the past year! I can see her think about things more deeply than before. I notice little things here and there where her mind is opening to greater thoughts and creativity. I love her excitement to share what she loves with the world!

She is fierce when it comes to her baby brother. “Ain’t nobody gonna mess with bubba, momma. Nobody!” As she looks at me with fire in her beautiful blue eyes. She is my little super star and very much uniquely Abby.

Asher Dean

My little heartbreaker. This boy and his eyes make me just swoon! He has the kindest heart of any person I’ve ever known. With his infectious laugh and bright personality he naturally draws people into his happy little bubble.

As he gets ready for kindergarten, in a little more than a month, I find myself wondering where my baby went. He is so full of ideas and excitement about what school is going to be like! I am super excited to see him blossom but, also feel that twing of heartbreak that my kids are no longer babies.

My fears mostly come from a selfish place. Not wanting them to get older and start needing me less and less. But, I begin to realize isn’t that what we want? We want them to grow and be strong on their own! This thought immediately puts the more selfish one to rest and my excitement builds in knowing I get to be part of their beautiful lives and help guide them through it!

I believe as parents our role is to never force identites on to our children. It grows resentment and bottles up who they really are. One day all that built up pressure will explode. Some parents feel because they have similar DNA, that they own their children. Every move their child makes is decided on and they have no say in the matter. No human being should feel that way especially our own children. Let them think for themselves. Let them believe they are amazing the way they are. Let them decide!

When I say this I do not mean let your kids do whatever they want, obviously. -just don’t take away who they are. It’s important to teach them perseverance, strength in character, dedication, and compassion but, not force anything on them that isn’t in their nature.

No one is perfect. Not our children and definitely not us. We must celebrate our differences and teach our kids to be proud of who they truly are!