Explorin’ Fiction

When people find out I’m an artist I get asked to do all sorts of different creative things. I have taken on a lot of new work and explored a variety of styles and mediums by doing this. Pushing the limits of what “kind of art” I do makes me a better artist.

On this particular piece I needed to create a concept for a fictional character in a game. A game I didn’t even know existed before this point. Although this genre of art isn’t something I’ve been into it still intrigued me enough to give it a shot!

I’ve been working on this for the last few months. Taking my time to land on something I was happy with and fulfilling the image in the clients mind was my goal. I worked through 6 sketches before decided on a pose and style. I reached out for resources from another artist more versed in creating characters of this sort as well. He was a very crucial aspect in the sucess of this project. ๐Ÿ˜‰ thank youโค

I choose to use graphite, color pencils, pen, with a mix of paint for the final image. Mixed media fit perfectly for the design I had in my mind. On final completion I am pleased with the outcome! My art is usually a non-fictional subject matter that I can scrutinize and perfect.

This piece of art was the opposite. Using different ways of thinking to reach a final product that I love opens my mind to possiblities that I may not have come to! Glad I took on a project that I didn’t know I could successfully accomplish and did so with results I’m proud of!

Being outside my comfort zone made me think in a different way and learn from that. I thrive in this type of environment! I had lots of fun!

Now that this is completed I have jumped into a collaboration with an artist resulting in me eating yummy things! Art & Food…win win for me!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I will be telling y’all about it very soon!

My Inspiration

For all the things my arms have ever held, the best by far is you.

Everyday I grow closer to the momma y’all deserve. Some days I stumble. Hell, some days I crash and burn. On those days especially, I am most grateful to have your beautiful hearts close. Grateful I can hug you and kiss you and snuggle you. Grateful you accept my apology when I know I’ve lost my temper. I aspire to be as giving and loving as you are.

You lift me up with the simplest little grin. Your big ole’ baby blues melt my heart every time. You are the inspiration for all the beauty I share with the world. I find the most joy in these ordinary moments that make up an extraordinary life. How did I ever get so lucky? ๐Ÿ’›

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Loving An Addict

The hardest and most selfless thing I’ve ever done in my life is loving an addict. I actually love many. I am not a person to claim the role of a victim and the last thing I want is for anyone to feel sorry for me. I keep a positive outlook on life, despite what I’ve been through.

Talking about addiction is not easy, in doing so I hope it will help others in healing and maybe better understand an addict in their own life. Confronting an addict is heart wrenching and will test you in every way imaginable. I’ve been laughed at straight in my face and called a liar. My feelings have been completely disregarded, I’ve been bullied, and torn apart emotionally. I drove myself crazy with worry and finding proof of lies to make a point. In reality I never needed to. I realized if I needed to prove a liar more than once I was the fool. Addiction is all-consuming in its need for attention, by the addict and by the people who love them. I’ve learned what enabling is and how incredibly hard it is to distinguish between it and love. In loving addicts I have learned so much about the kind of person I am but more importantly the kind of person I want to become.

The most giving hearts is the ones who addicts like to surround themselves with. The most vulnerable people are the path of least resistance. They want you to enable them. It’s validating and gives them no reason to stop the destructive behavior. There is so much pain within them that it spreads, it seeps out and into everything they touch.

For loved ones it’s the pain of deceit, the pain of having them take advantage of you, and the pain of feeling like you don’t matter is what hurts the most. There is pain in knowing their selfishness is most important. What has been hardest for me is the realization that I’ve had to push them away. In showing the effects of their actions I needed to be harsh. A stark reflection of how they affected my life. Whether they want to see it or not it hurts. In every single way it hurts to witness the pain. It hurts being disliked and even hated for this when all you wish is for them to heal. I did not let the pain of this take hold on me. I do have times of sorrow, as does everyone but, it does not define me. No matter how hard it is to grasp for air sometimes I don’t let pain caused by others weigh too heavy on my soul.

In confrontation an addict will fight it. They will back you into every corner and make you feel as bad as they do. The pain inside they are trying to numb will exponentially grow in the realizations of hurting loved ones. Love can fight back even harder. Help them in every way you can without being taken advantage of. Help them gain the tools to cope but stay true to your words. If you give an ultimatum stick to it. Buttons get pushed and limits tested but keep standing strong and know that addicts can recover and trust restored. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We live, learn, and grow to become better if we want to.

Forgiveness is key. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Forgive and grow. I do my best to not be pushed around by their demons, or my own, and learn from my own mistakes and frustrations.

Strength comes in knowing that you could save their life. Holding them accountable may nudge them out of the state of denial they put themselves in. It will quite literally feel like going into battle. They will not want to stop. It will hurt them physically and mentally to do so. Everything in them will tell them no. The high they chase is in control and will not want to be diminished. The worst part about addiction is that the body loves responding to pleasurable things and loves dopamine. As the addict gets deeper into addiction the levels of dopamine they need to feel euphoria increases. The urge will always be there to push for more. The need to survive can even come second to the need they feel in fulfilling the addiction. I’m not trying to claim that I fully understand the inner struggle of an addict. This is just my thoughts from what I’ve seen. But, I do know what it feels like to watch someone you love, even more than yourself, struggle with it. It takes a lifetime to conquer addiction.

I’ve dealt with other people’s addiction my entire life. It took my childhood. It forced me to overcome. It taught me to push myself in the need to thrive as an individual, as a leader, and as a caring human being. It showed me what to avoid and what to question.

The key to truly loving someone is honesty. So many people fail in this. Honesty is the way of happiness. To do this I had to look inward. What was I doing in response to the addict that contributed in perpetuating the behavior? I became brutally honest with myself about my actions. When you’re in a relationship with an addict, your behaviors become just as important as theirs in addiction and in recovery. I changed my habits. I had to change the way I live and the person that I am to love an addict. If you trust someone nothing stands in the way of that relationship. It leads to feeling good about yourself and the only way to truly live your best life.

In having this knowledge and understanding I believe that loving an addict is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There is a fine line between being there for someone and knowing when to say that’s enough. In this there are many times I have failed. Many times I have had to pick myself back up and literally say out loud, “yes, it is worth it.” Loving someone isn’t always butterflies and rainbows. It’s a war zone, and you have to treat it as such. You have to protect what is worth fighting for and stand your ground.

In loving an addict you have to understand their limits and see if they’re willing to do the right things to save themself. You have to continue being selfless. I will spend my entire life trying to fully understand this. To recover from the selfishness of addiction, it takes selfishness of an opposite kind to overcome it. Loving an addict and being okay with this fact without resentment takes a special kind of love. In the pain of addiction, the beauty of recovery is so rare. Witnessing an addict who recovers and stays true to themself is inspiring. The transformation of a person learning to love who they are every day is beautiful. It takes extreme inner strength and perseverance.

So much of the person I am is because of addiction. My outlook on life is molded by my decision to not let an addict take me down that dark path. My need to create something positive in my life is from seeing all the negative self destruction of people I love. The way I have learned to love is because of addiction. Not a day passes that I do not feel its effects. I will always have hope in human beings to overcome. In these realizations the meaning of what it takes to love has changed for me. Loving someone isn’t just saying I love you over and over. It’s in every action you take. Its need is deeper and more intentional than I ever thought. After losing trust in someone they have to give back to you 10 fold before expecting you to give anymore of yourself to them. To regain that level of love within a relationship is rare but, achievable.

As a mother, I worry in a very real way, if my children or grandchildren will struggle with it. Addiction is due 50 percent to genetic predisposition and 50 percent to poor coping skills. I can’t help the genetic aspect of this. It is an major issue on both sides of my children’s genetic pool but, I can prepare them in understanding the dangers. I hope I can help in recognizing the signs if it becomes an issue they are faced with. I have faith I have learned enough and can provide them with the right tools to avoid it. It is a very real thought I have in raising them. My childhood and most of adulthood was impacted with the real effects addiction can have on a life. I will do everything in my power to not let my children live with the negative effects of this disease. Strength in honesty and truly connecting with one another.

Bentonville O.G. ;)

Bentonville is a tiny little spot of heaven in the middle of nowhere. Undiscovered in its charm and small town uniqueness, a place I have always been honored to call home. In the last decade or so Bentonville has drastically changed! Northwest Arkansas’s metropolitan area is one of the fasted growing economies in the U.S. and it doesn’t show any signs of stopping!!!

It comes as no surprise to me that other people have noticed and love our beautiful little town. Located in such a lovely part of our country it’s so appealing in rich history and southern charm, what’s there not to love?! We’re so blessed with the benefits provided to our community by the many corporate headquarters located here. They help keep our country’s commerce running and fuel innovation throughout different industries for the future of the world! In turn making our community even more diverse and expansive as we move forward.

I recently had a friend, I’ve known most of my life, tell me she is coming to visit and wants to know what to do when they come! I was so happy to tell her about everything there’s to do here now! With all the growth and excitement I feel like sometimes I can’t even keep up with what all is happening! I got to the end of the conversation and realized I sounded like a travel agent for Northwest Arkansas! I get excited about sharing!!!

Most people leave their hometown wanting to seek bigger and better things. I feel like the bigger and better things have coming to me! I went to art school and then the art came here! How much luckier can I get?!

From the beautiful recently developed walking and biking trails that wind from Bella Vista all the way to Fayetteville to local breweries there is so much to experience in Northwest Arkansas! Pinnacle Hills, in Rogers, Ar has a beautiful sprawling outdoor mall that can keep you shopping until your hearts content…or your pockets empty! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Bentonville’s 8th St. Market and the Art District is constantly evolving with innovative new businesses enriching our community with fine art, amazing food, and custom shops. Bentonville isn’t the only amazing little town here either! All of Northwest Arkansas is expanding at an astounding rate! Fayetteville Ar. is one of the top 5 best places in America to live, according to U.S. News & World Report in its annual โ€œBest Places to Liveโ€ report. Every industry here is seeing a massive boom, adding to our ever growing Arkansas based businesses and communities!

What does that mean to the O.G.’s?! When I say O.G., being that I’m only 31 I can only go back so far, I know there are much more legit O.G’s! If any want to chime in please feel free to add a comment! I’d love to hear your stories! Locals have loved Bentonville before it started to evolve and become “cool”. We’ve watched how beautifully our sleepy little town has become a hub of new culture and interest from people around the world.

Growing up on Main St. and having relatives living all around downtown my entire life I have countless memories that make the Bentonville Square my favorite place! As a kid I remember spending time around the fountian downtown where only a few lawn chairs and a couple good ol’ boys playing folk music on Saturday nights filled the square. The farmers market was only about 10 booths and they only sold vegetables! When the coolest thing to do was walk around the Wal-Mart on Walton Blvd. and see ALL your friends doing the same!

Spending afternoons with my siblings at Bentonville Public Library, which at the time was located in the old Massey Hotel that is now Phat Tires Bike Shop, was my favorite space to pass time. The same place that sparked my love for art. Seeing a 3D model of Crystal Bridges with stars in my eyes. When I was just 11 years old, Crystal Bridges was just a concept living in the lobby of the library. I would see it every week and daydream about what it would be like. How it would open up my eyes to the world of art! I never imagined that I would get to experience it with my children! Literally puts the biggest a smile on my face! My love for Bentonville and the pride I have living here is grandiose! I absolutely love it and wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

But, with this excitement and huge growth I also wonder how it will change our identity. There are locals opposed to the growth. They don’t like all the “newness” and change. I do not see change as a bad thing, uncomfortable at times-yes but, always an opportunity to become better in a new direction! That being said I wonder if we will lose our small town charm along the way? What will we become when there are 100’s of thousands of people living here….or even millions?! Will we get that big?! What will Bentonville look like? Will we lose our charm we are so dearly loved for?

All questions I am anxious to see play out. One thing’s for sure change is here and I am one to embrace it! โค

*all photos are taken and copyrighted by Courtney Kitterman

3 am thoughts

Such a strange time of day. Not night anymore but still not quite morning. Insomnia takes hold at times. Nothing helps. Nothing pulls its tight grip from my ever-thinking brain. Do life thoughts become more meaningful at 3am? Do artist become more artistic or creatives create more? Are we more prone to not sleeping? Or thinking more deeply?

So much randomness makes a home here. Body so still and wishing for sleep but, a head racing a thousand miles a minute. A conversation of cognitive dissonance between body and mind. A blessing and a curse this over active soul of mine.