Self Love

Once again a restless night. Haunted by the dread of disappointment, anger, and hopelessness. When will I stop hoping for a different outcome? When will I look into your eyes and not see sorrow? Will I ever have you back?

I fear for you in the realist way my heart can feel. I know you’re scared and lost. I know you don’t want to be like this. Yet, I hold your hand begging and pleading and all I see is emptiness in your eyes. Complete abandon. I’m scared for me too. Terrified I’ll end up the same. It’s in my blood. Coursing through my veins just waiting until I’m weak enough to let the demon take control.

I don’t want to be this. I don’t want to watch this. I don’t want to lose anymore. Haven’t we all lost enough? I can’t save you. Hope is always my greatest heartbreak. I remember the way you were and physically hurt from the pain of losing that version of you. The only love great enough to save someone is self love.

3 am thoughts

Such a strange time of day. Not night anymore but still not quite morning. Insomnia takes hold at times. Nothing helps. Nothing pulls its tight grip from my ever-thinking brain. Do life thoughts become more meaningful at 3am? Do artist become more artistic or creatives create more? Are we more prone to not sleeping? Or thinking more deeply?

So much randomness makes a home here. Body so still and wishing for sleep but, a head racing a thousand miles a minute. A conversation of cognitive dissonance between body and mind. A blessing and a curse this over active soul of mine.